Over the last 2 days I have worked on packing up Oscar's things for 7+ hours. I have packed and unpacked Oscar's blankies, onesies, hospital documents, stuffed animals, and books multiple times in hopes to get them in the plastic tubs just right. It was after midnight today and I still was not done. As I sat in our living room feeling stressed about Oscar stuff not being put away. It finally occurred to me it doesn't need to be packed up and put away today, tomorrow, or the next day. It doesn't even need to be put away next week or next month. It's fine.
In my mind, and on paper I have a list of all the things I think need done before I go back to work in mid-February, but I think I finally realized tonight if none of them get done it is okay too. It is okay to just be for a little bit, not forever, but for a little while. Oscar died on Saturday, December 16 and we picked his grave on Monday, December 18, his one month birthday. We had calling hours on Thursday, December 21, and on Friday, December 22, Oscar's original due date, we remembered and celebrated him at his Memorial Service. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went along with New Years Eve and New Years Day. Brian started back to work last week and here we are approaching on 4 weeks on Saturday that Oscar has been gone. I miss him.
So the grief of losing your child...what does it look like? I am realizing it is as unique to each person as their own fingerprint. There isn't a right way and there isn't a wrong way to do this thing called grief. For me my grief has been kind of numbing. I don't feel overly happy or overly sad, but I am thankful there is still laughter and smiles in my day along with tears and sadness because it means I can still feel something. It still all feels surreal like it was a dream, but I know it wasn't. I have hundreds of pictures of Oscar and his initials (O.G.K.) written in permanent marker on anything that was his. I now look for the color green wherever I am because it was Oscar's color. I had a second son and his name was Oscar Graham Kaser. He was born at 1:35am on Saturday, November 18, the day before his big brother's 3rd birthday. He weighed 5lbs 13oz and was 18 inches long. He was here only 29 days and now he is with Jesus.
I know I will see you again Oscar Graham, but I miss you so much right now. I love you and I am forever changed because of you. #OscarStrong
In my mind, and on paper I have a list of all the things I think need done before I go back to work in mid-February, but I think I finally realized tonight if none of them get done it is okay too. It is okay to just be for a little bit, not forever, but for a little while. Oscar died on Saturday, December 16 and we picked his grave on Monday, December 18, his one month birthday. We had calling hours on Thursday, December 21, and on Friday, December 22, Oscar's original due date, we remembered and celebrated him at his Memorial Service. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went along with New Years Eve and New Years Day. Brian started back to work last week and here we are approaching on 4 weeks on Saturday that Oscar has been gone. I miss him.
So the grief of losing your child...what does it look like? I am realizing it is as unique to each person as their own fingerprint. There isn't a right way and there isn't a wrong way to do this thing called grief. For me my grief has been kind of numbing. I don't feel overly happy or overly sad, but I am thankful there is still laughter and smiles in my day along with tears and sadness because it means I can still feel something. It still all feels surreal like it was a dream, but I know it wasn't. I have hundreds of pictures of Oscar and his initials (O.G.K.) written in permanent marker on anything that was his. I now look for the color green wherever I am because it was Oscar's color. I had a second son and his name was Oscar Graham Kaser. He was born at 1:35am on Saturday, November 18, the day before his big brother's 3rd birthday. He weighed 5lbs 13oz and was 18 inches long. He was here only 29 days and now he is with Jesus.
"Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith; it is the price we pay for love."
Author Unknown
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