The "wrong normal"

Over the past few weeks we are continuing to grieve and miss Oscar. We are trying to figure out what life is suppose to be like. A dear friend of mine said it well...It's the "new normal" that feels like the "old normal" which is now the "wrong normal."

Today I went to MOPS and was asked by a few Moms where I was from, why I came...and I said I was on leave for a few weeks from work and brought my 3 year old. I didn't want to say I was on maternity leave because I was afraid to get asked how old my baby was. After Theodore and I left MOPS I felt so guilty toward Oscar because I didn't want to share that is why I was there. I was there today because I had Oscar and he died. I was supposed to be taking care of him and instead I am finishing my 12 week maternity leave without a newborn baby.

Guilt is an awful feeling and I am sure it is one that will show up from time to time in regards to Oscar. I think the worst part about guilt in this case is it is self inflicted. Oscar isn't making me feel guilty its me trying to not hurt or offend him and he isn't even here. I know Oscar was just a baby, but I am pretty sure he doesn't want me moping around beating myself up about not mentioning him.

A normal ritual for us now too is to say "hi" to Oscar when we drive by Toledo Memorial Park. As we drove to MOPS this morning Theodore said, "There's Oscar. I really miss you buddy." As we were coming home and drove past the cemetery Theodore said, "Emmie's baby is going to die." I said, "No Aunt Emilee's baby is not going to die." He then said "Kari's baby is going to die." I said, "No Aunt Kari's baby is not going to die." He finally finished with "Other people's babies going to die." They were all statements as if they were facts. In Theodore's mind, if you were going to have a baby it was going to die. I then had to explain that babies aren't supposed to die. Most babies live. Theodore saying those words were like a knife in my heart. It took me back to the conference room at Mott Children's Hospital with Brian and a team of doctors and the Palliative Care doctor asking what we wanted for Oscar's life and I remember saying. "For him to live. I didn't want Theodore to think that every time Mom has a baby that the baby is going to die." One of the things I was most afraid of about Oscar's life has now happened.

I think all along, actually I know all along I truly thought Oscar would live. I pictured him as a toddler with Theodore. I had a peace and a hope that he would live and he was going to come home. I was talking to my best friend Larisa about this last week and I asked if she thought Oscar was going to die? She said yeah every time after I saw him I thought it could be the last. I said really I never thought that. She said I think the Lord was protecting you. She was right. I lived the 29 days of Oscar's life with an unearthly hope he would live. A hope that didn't make sense, but I still had. My hope is now shifting to an eternal hope, one that I will see Oscar again in Heaven. He is there with Jesus and I believe he is with his Trisomy brothers and sisters. He now joins them as they greet new babies as they come in Heaven gates.

A verse from Isaiah keeps coming to my mind. Isaiah 66:9a 
"In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." says the Lord. In another translation the verse says "Will I bring a baby to the point of birth and not deliver it? says the Lord. The Lord is referring to the nation of Jerusalem, but for me it is as if the Lord is saying Julie I caused you this pain of losing a son, but I am working in you through this. Something good will come out of this pain. I think too the pain is where Oscar's story continues to be written. The chapters continue in how Brian and I as believers react to this pain. To us losing our baby, our son, and at the end of the day I have to say our God is still good. He still loves us, meets us where we are, and He is walking alongside us each day. #OscarStrong

I love this picture of my boys.
Theodore loved his baby brother.