An Open Letter to my Oldest Child

My Dear Theodore,

I first want to tell you that you and your brothers are the greatest joys in your Dad and I’s life. You are our biggest accomplishments. When you came into the world 5 years ago my life changed for the better. It no longer was just Dad and I, but we now had a sidekick, you, to do everything with. In those early years, and even now you bring such new perspective to the world. Everything is bigger, brighter, and more joyous through your eyes. Thank you for giving us that gift to see this world the way you see it.

Now for my apology. Two years ago you became a big brother and with that you became like a source of life for your Dad and I. With your baby brother, Oscar, being sick and then dying we placed a lot of stress on you. You couldn’t articulate it, but you felt Mom and Dads' sadness, our pain, our grief, our stress, our hopelessness. You kept going though. You were the reason we got out of bed that first year, the reason we went and did things, you were our reason to keep surviving. Thank you. 

I don’t know if you will ever understand what you did for us that first year after Oscar’s death, but you helped us survive, to live, and showed us there is still joy in this life.

I also want to say I am sorry, I am sorry that on a lot of days you don’t get the best of me. You get an impatient Mom that snaps too quickly at you and expects too much from you. I wanted to tell you I know this and I am going to do better. You deserve better.

To end I just want to say I love you so much and whether I show it or say it. I am so proud of the little boy you are becoming. I love that you are kind, and caring. I love your creativity and imagination. I love you and I am so blessed and glad God gave us you and choose me to be your Mama. 

Keep being awesome kid and Mom will do better to be awesome too!

Love, Mom