I haven’t broached this subject much before, but with Oscar’s 2nd Birthday on Monday I feel I need to share. On this journey of now parenting a son that is dead we have been told our loss is less painful than someone whose child was older that died, made to feel absurd to have cake for our dead son’s birthday, and given wary looks when we correct you and say we have 3 sons instead of 2.
Let me start with this statement that we have been told, “Oscar was a baby when he died, their son was Theodore’s age it is so much worse for them.” If you have thought this or said this to someone like us, you have never had a child die. You can't understand what it is like even if you really wanted to and what sane person really wants to try and feel what it is like to have their child die? You can’t empathize with us, you can’t put yourself in our shoes because the pain and heartache of living in this world without one of your children is something you can’t understand unless it happened to you. You can sympathize, but you can’t truly get it nor do I want you to. So please don’t say, “I understand how you feel” unless you had one of your own children die.
Also regardless of how long my child “lived” he is still my son. The element of time doesn’t make our Oscar any less of our son or a person for that fact. It doesn’t change the value of his life. Having your child die is truly the most horrible thing that I believe can happen to someone on this Earth. Even though we were given 29 days we were still robbed of ever seeing Oscar smile or knowing the true color of his eyes. Some families aren’t even given the gift of holding their child alive and watching their little chest move up and down as they breath or having their child grip their finger from their isolette. So even though I feel I wasn’t given enough time with Oscar I try to remember some Moms and Dads weren’t even given a day with their child and I was given 29.
Some of you may wonder why, why do we celebrate our dead son’s birthday...well for one he is our son! If you are a parent don’t you celebrate your son or daughter’s birthday? Second why do we celebrate Oscar’s birthday on the actual day? Well the way I look at it is Oscar is given 2 days a year November 18, his birthday, and March 13, Trisomy 13 Awareness Day aka "Oscar Day". Those days are big deals, they are always the same date every year and on those days we wear green, we talk about Oscar to others more than we normally would, we tell his story to strangers and it just seems more socially acceptable to share about our dead son. If your child is living you never get a strange look when you talk about them, but if your child is dead you become an expert on reading people’s comfort level through their face. Lastly, comes the question of how many children do we have? Do Brian and I have 2 or 3 sons? Well of course we have 3. This is something I have become very comfortable with telling others especially Moms/Caregivers I meet when I am out with the boys. It briefly crosses my mind the thought of not saying Oscar and then I think, "naa this person can handle it" and I say, "3". Theodore who is almost 5, Oscar who died he would have been 2 in November, and Brooks who is 4 months. Sometimes people are taken a little back, but I almost always get a I am so sorry and I actually have met a few Moms that I now consider dear friends because after I mentioned Oscar they asked questions and wanted to know more about him. Those Mom friends are special to me, they ministered to my broken soul and heart in August 2018 when life day to day was just survival (For me the first year after Oscar's death was survival, just make from one day to the next).
I think one of the more difficult things is when Brian and I have to remind our family we have 3 sons. This happens the most with our grandparent age relatives. I think their generation, Silent Generation, doesn't know how to acknowledge an infants death. I don't know for sure, but I believe 60 years ago miscarriage and infant death was brushed aside, not discussed, and that generation doesn't deal with those feelings super well, so when you have a grandchild that lost a child they just aren't quite sure how to deal with us, Millennials, who talk and share about everything. So to end this post Monday, November 18, is a special day it is Oscar's 2nd Birthday. Our family will celebrate by wearing our green #OscarStrong shirts, releasing balloons at his spot, singing Happy Birthday, and having birthday donuts that remind us of him. If you feel like it wear green on Monday, think of our Oscar, say his name to someone and remember him with us. Thanks for reading and being on this journey with us. #OscarStrong
Let me start with this statement that we have been told, “Oscar was a baby when he died, their son was Theodore’s age it is so much worse for them.” If you have thought this or said this to someone like us, you have never had a child die. You can't understand what it is like even if you really wanted to and what sane person really wants to try and feel what it is like to have their child die? You can’t empathize with us, you can’t put yourself in our shoes because the pain and heartache of living in this world without one of your children is something you can’t understand unless it happened to you. You can sympathize, but you can’t truly get it nor do I want you to. So please don’t say, “I understand how you feel” unless you had one of your own children die.
Also regardless of how long my child “lived” he is still my son. The element of time doesn’t make our Oscar any less of our son or a person for that fact. It doesn’t change the value of his life. Having your child die is truly the most horrible thing that I believe can happen to someone on this Earth. Even though we were given 29 days we were still robbed of ever seeing Oscar smile or knowing the true color of his eyes. Some families aren’t even given the gift of holding their child alive and watching their little chest move up and down as they breath or having their child grip their finger from their isolette. So even though I feel I wasn’t given enough time with Oscar I try to remember some Moms and Dads weren’t even given a day with their child and I was given 29.
Some of you may wonder why, why do we celebrate our dead son’s birthday...well for one he is our son! If you are a parent don’t you celebrate your son or daughter’s birthday? Second why do we celebrate Oscar’s birthday on the actual day? Well the way I look at it is Oscar is given 2 days a year November 18, his birthday, and March 13, Trisomy 13 Awareness Day aka "Oscar Day". Those days are big deals, they are always the same date every year and on those days we wear green, we talk about Oscar to others more than we normally would, we tell his story to strangers and it just seems more socially acceptable to share about our dead son. If your child is living you never get a strange look when you talk about them, but if your child is dead you become an expert on reading people’s comfort level through their face. Lastly, comes the question of how many children do we have? Do Brian and I have 2 or 3 sons? Well of course we have 3. This is something I have become very comfortable with telling others especially Moms/Caregivers I meet when I am out with the boys. It briefly crosses my mind the thought of not saying Oscar and then I think, "naa this person can handle it" and I say, "3". Theodore who is almost 5, Oscar who died he would have been 2 in November, and Brooks who is 4 months. Sometimes people are taken a little back, but I almost always get a I am so sorry and I actually have met a few Moms that I now consider dear friends because after I mentioned Oscar they asked questions and wanted to know more about him. Those Mom friends are special to me, they ministered to my broken soul and heart in August 2018 when life day to day was just survival (For me the first year after Oscar's death was survival, just make from one day to the next).
I think one of the more difficult things is when Brian and I have to remind our family we have 3 sons. This happens the most with our grandparent age relatives. I think their generation, Silent Generation, doesn't know how to acknowledge an infants death. I don't know for sure, but I believe 60 years ago miscarriage and infant death was brushed aside, not discussed, and that generation doesn't deal with those feelings super well, so when you have a grandchild that lost a child they just aren't quite sure how to deal with us, Millennials, who talk and share about everything. So to end this post Monday, November 18, is a special day it is Oscar's 2nd Birthday. Our family will celebrate by wearing our green #OscarStrong shirts, releasing balloons at his spot, singing Happy Birthday, and having birthday donuts that remind us of him. If you feel like it wear green on Monday, think of our Oscar, say his name to someone and remember him with us. Thanks for reading and being on this journey with us. #OscarStrong
My thoughts and prayers are with you...happy heavenly birthday dear Oscar. And YES, you have 3 sons! Much love to you and your beautiful family. Love, Kim
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