Oscar's Odyssey/Stella's Story

Over the past few weeks we are continuing to grieve and miss Oscar. We are trying to figure out what life is suppose to be like. A dear friend of mine said it well...It's the "new normal" that feels like the "old normal" which is now the "wrong normal." Today I went to MOPS and was asked by a few Moms where I was from, why I came...and I said I was on leave for a few weeks from work and brought my 3 year old. I didn't want to say I was on maternity leave because I was afraid to get asked how old my baby was. After Theodore and I left MOPS I felt so guilty toward Oscar because I didn't want to share that is why I was there. I was there today because I had Oscar and he died. I was supposed to be taking care of him and instead I am finishing my 12 week maternity leave without a newborn baby. Guilt is an awful feeling and I am sure it is one that will show up from time to time in regards to Oscar. I think the worst part about guilt in this case is

Today marks 31 days that Oscar has been gone. I have decided it is time to try and stop dwelling on the day that he died, but rather focus on the days he was alive. On Oscar's Odyssey on this earth we had many things to be thankful for. First, Brian and I's prayer request from the beginning was to meet Oscar alive. To hold our newborn son, to snuggle him, for Theodore to meet his baby brother. Little did we know our love for Oscar was just giving him a glimpse of what he would have to look forward to once he got to Heaven. On this Earth we are suppose to love others the way God loves us. I think there is probably no greater love than that of a parent to a child. It is the most unconditional earthly love I believe that there is. We are blessed that we got to show Oscar that unconditional earthly love. Another prayer request of ours was that through Oscar's journey and our families that God's strength and his love would be shown. I remember often it was said to me d

Over the last 2 days I have worked on packing up Oscar's things for 7+ hours. I have packed and unpacked Oscar's blankies, onesies, hospital documents, stuffed animals, and books multiple times in hopes to get them in the plastic tubs just right. It was after midnight today and I still was not done. As I sat in our living room feeling stressed about Oscar stuff not being put away. It finally occurred to me it doesn't need to be packed up and put away today, tomorrow, or the next day. It doesn't even need to be put away next week or next month. It's fine.  In my mind, and on paper I have a list of all the things I think need done before I go back to work in mid-February, but I think I finally realized tonight if none of them get done it is okay too. It is okay to just be for a little bit, not forever, but for a little while. Oscar died on Saturday, December 16 and we picked his grave on Monday, December 18, his one month birthday. We had calling hours on Thursday,

Today isn’t suppose to look like this.  Brian  and I weren’t supposed to be in the kitchen together before he headed to work. I am not supposed to be sitting here now, drinking a cup of coffee waiting for Theodore to wake up.  It’s January 3, 2018, Washington Local Schools first day back from winter break. Today was the first day we were going to begin what NICU life and work life looked like meshed together. Our plan: Brian would stay all night at the hospital with Oscar and leave for work about 7am. I would stay at home with Theodore and drop him at the sitter and be to the hospital by 8am. Then Kris, Oscar’s Grandma/Brian’s Mom, would cover the 7-8am shift, the time Brian left till I arrived. We don’t have to do that today, we don’t have to come up with a new plan if that one doesn’t work, we don’t, we don’t, we don’t and I am so sad that we don’t... We do though have the opportunity to love one another today, to make someone else feel important, and to remember and celeb

January 1, 2018 how did we get here. Happy New Year...Happy anything it is hard to say that this year. 2017 seems like a blur and the last 6 weeks even more so. January 1, 2017 I was dreading returning to work. Everyday was hard. Getting out of bed, being at work, or being with family or friends, cooking, cleaning the house, enjoying time with Theodore and Brian. Life was exhausting. By March, life was getting better, happiness was showing its face, and motivation to tackle the day was finally coming back. Brian and I talked about having another child during the 17-18 school year. The plan was to have Kaser Baby #2 late enough in the school year, so I wouldn't have to return to work after my maternity leave and then I would become a Stay at Home Mom. I was really excited about this, being a stay at home mom, because although I love teaching, after my 2016-2017 school year it was becoming too emotionally and physically draining. I was coming home from work and not having energy or w